Some of the toughest moments I have experienced in all of my years working with women in the area of fertility is when a client is experiencing a miscarriage or working through the emotions to move forward and try again.
It’s heartbreaking, it doesn’t matter if it happens at four and a half weeks or at twenty, it just SUCKS.
Getting through the initial phases and accepting the loss is one thing, but trying again is tricky.
How do you start over, learn to trust in your body and begin to hope? At what point do you allow yourself to fall in love with the potential?
The answer is different to every single client and there is no right or wrong, but what I have found is that most of my clients who have been in this situation put in place some common supports and steps that make moving forward easier and a little less fearful.
In no particular order, here are the Top 3 supports I have seen work for moving forward after a loss.
ONE
Take the time to grieve, don’t rush it. Our survival mechanism blocks the pain and can sometimes jolt us into moving on too soon. There is nothing wrong with this, it’s a natural process that our body and mind have to allow us to put one foot in front of the other and get out of bed after a tragedy.
But, if you can slow down, even for a few days to take it in, let your heartbreak and say goodbye to what could have been. It will help. It will lessen the stress and anxiety when you find yourself pregnant again. Unresolved emotions always find a way to surface; it’s easier to deal with them when they’re fresh rather than at an unexpected time and place.
TWO
Seek Advice and Support, Depending on if its loss number one or four there will be subtle differences in your care and what your Doctor or RE is willing to do, but really it doesn’t matter. Look for a practitioner that you can trust and is familiar with Miscarriage and early pregnancy.
It is true that most women who experience Recurrent Pregnancy Loss end up having the desired size of family that they had hoped for, but it’s not always the case, nor do I believe that you should suffer multiple losses between each of your children.
With my clients I like to cover our bases and have a plan. Depending on their health history and how many losses they have experienced will often guide the time that I recommend them waiting so that they have adequate time to balance their body and mind so that the next time they get pregnant, its for keeps, and A BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY BABY IS IN THEIR ARMS AT THE END.
I often have them request particular hormone, endocrine, and autoimmune tests. I make sure that their supplements are serving them in both quality and absorbability. We talk about diet changes to reduce inflammation and practices for stress relief and relaxation. We also discuss how to work with their Physician so they can receive the care that they desire in early pregnancy with additional blood tests, ultrasounds and hormone support.
It may sound like a lot but I prefer to know that my clients are doing what is in their control. To eliminate as many “what ifs” that they have running through their mind. The reasons for a loss are vast and more often than not they come back as unexplained. I feel in using the tools that are available to them, a certain level of doubt has been erased and they can settle into a mindset of trust and receptivity during a very stressful time.
THREE
Choose a Confident, this one is key. Working through a loss and starting over brings with it a flood of emotions and uncertainty. The last thing you need to be dealing with is holding space and taking care of friends and families emotions. Granted they are entitled to what they feel, but this isn’t the time or place for you to be taking their stuff on.
The other scenario that occurs with loss is that a couple suffers in silence, just the two of them, it’s a recipe for disaster and both of you need someone to talk to outside of the relationship.
Find one person that can hold some space for you. Someone that you can tell what’s going on, how you are feeling, your fears, hopes and insecurities; let this person be the one person outside of your husband that you tell you’re pregnant again.
For a lot of my clients I’m their person. My inbox is full of clients’ journal entries, sometimes they require a response if a question has come about that I can answer or encouragement is needed. But most of the time it’s just a place to let them get their feelings out and have a witness to it all.
Moving forward is hard. They’re no certainties when loss and babies are involved. When you find yourself pregnant again its emotional but when all the pieces come together it’s so worth it.
Set yourself up with support, find routines, people and practitioners that you trust and can to help smooth the rough edges and get you through those very long weeks until that official moment you enter your second trimester.
In the comments below I want to hear from you, did you suffer a loss? What helped you heal and try again?
Sending love and light to you and your rainbow babies,
XO
Ashley
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