Why “Trying” Is Ruining Your Fertility and What to Do Instead


The act of “Trying” for a baby is the inhibiting factor for a majority of couples experiencing unexplained infertility.

In my practice I hear accounts from couples about how they’re “getting serious” about their fertility and then they go through the list of things that they have done and money that they have spent in order for their dream to become a reality. I’m always amazed at the amount of stress and resistance that all of their efforts have accrued with no pregnancy or baby to show for it.

While their intentions are noble, and in essence they’ve done everything technically right, they’re going about it all in the wrong way.

Reasons why “Trying” doesn’t work:

It Sets You Up for Failure,

We live in a goal setting and achieving era. Anything and everything that we set our mind to we expect to achieve it, and with that we put time restrictions on when we wish to fulfil them. Trying for a baby, does not fit in this model of expectation. Whatever notion you have as to when you will get that extra pink line, triple it or better yet quadruple it. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it will take that long, but the time line and the plan isn’t doing you any favours.

It Strains the Relationship,

In the beginning, trying for a baby is exciting; the possibility that it could happen soon allows for you both to day dream about decorating the nursery, you having a cute little bump, walks with the stroller through your favourite neighbourhood. The frustration starts to heighten when it’s taking longer than anticipated, and the incessant talk about babies, periods, and ovulation isn’t helping. When every conversation starts or ends in this way, the relationship isn’t being nurtured and starts to drift.

There Is Nothing Fun about Timed Intercourse,

Okay maybe at the beginning it is, (wink, wink) but over an extended period of time most of my clients report that sex has become mechanical and forced. The ovulation stick, fertility monitor, BBT chart etc. says its go time and whether you feel like it or not, it’s baby making time. Eventually the libido starts to wane, your partner feels like a sperm donor more than anything else and the stress of knowing that everything is possibly happening right now creates body drama and wonky cycles leading to more frustration. The trust you have in your body is gone and you don’t know how much more of this you can take. Sound familiar?


It doesn’t have to be this way, Instead of “Trying” do this:


Regular Lovemaking,

Outside of your period, having sex 2-3 times a week with 2-3 days in-between, you will not miss your opportunity for conception. This frequency optimizes sperm volumes, and provides flexibility for you and your partner to check-in and see if you even feel like it. If you don’t that’s totally fine, re-evaluate tomorrow. Bring back the internal rhythm of your body, tap into your passion, intimacy and desire to create that spark, rather than a pee stick.

Set Yourself Up for Success,

Eat well, take your vitamins, move your body, meditate and receive treatment in whatever healing modality feels right for you. If you experience imbalances in your health or menstrual cycle seek assistance from your acupuncturist or naturopath. The more your body is in alignment, the healthier your pregnancy will be throughout. Trust that you are doing everything possible to ensure a possible pregnancy and relax into it.

Pursue your passions,

There is no denying that getting pregnant and having a baby is your number one priority, but no one said you had to trade in or deny everything else that you love for it. Spend the time to create, inspire and immerse yourself into whatever project lights you up. Book your trip, start painting, learn a new language, and take a class. Stop putting the brakes on things you want to do, because maybe you will be pregnant so you shouldn’t start this or that. Do it now, when you find out that your pregnant, you can re-evaluate and make decisions then. Until that time comes, live your life and pursue your dreams.

Enjoy where you are now,

When pregnancy and babies are all you can think of, your mind is constantly projecting into the future. Take some time to appreciate what you have right now. Enjoy this time as a couple and being a family of two, a baby changes everything. Even when everything is as you want it, you will look back and miss these moments.


In the comments below tell me what other tips that have helped you keep the pressure off while you pursue your journey to baby?



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